if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
