My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
