he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
