Soap is not a condiment
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
