I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I wish there were birth control emojis
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
