my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
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Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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