Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
