I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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