Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Ladies don't puke and tell
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
