Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
