if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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