I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
the condom got lost in my hair
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
