Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
