when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
