i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My dick has a subreddit
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
