i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
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