We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
