This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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