Jerry, you need to find god
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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