We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
So squirting runs in the family.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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