i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
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I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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