Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
