I'm gonna have a badass scar
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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