I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Just cropdusted the office
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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