i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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