Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
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i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
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it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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