like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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