so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
