I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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