I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
