So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
