The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
