4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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