Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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