If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i drank out of a bidet.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
