I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
