Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
