you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
