Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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