What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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