Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
