if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
