remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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