blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
