I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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