She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
