I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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