you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
