now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
