he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
