I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
