Apparently you make a good broom.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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