Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
