my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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