He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
