i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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