Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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