I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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