So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
