There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
