I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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