okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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