remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
